Diary update Sunday 1st December.

 I see things. I don’t just mean in a sixth sense kind of way. I see things on a daily basis, some of them are beautiful and some of them are sad. Some of those who have the sadness are blessed to find there is beauty in there too.

Most of the time, I’m happy in my own power. My job is to hold people, inform them, sometimes direct them, but ultimately hold them. It takes quite a lot of energy, and sometimes when I come home, I want to be held. It’s not a weakness or especially a woman thing. It’s just a way of re-fuelling. You see, if I’m running on empty, I shall have nothing to give. It doesn’t mean I want you here forever. It means, simply human to human, I want to feel safe and loved in the moment.

This evening, I held a young couple who lost their first baby. Their grief is mine, too. Communication and understanding is everything.

Update Saturday 8th December.

Don't they say you have to have the bad times to appreciate the good? Emotions/ luck/ outlook/ directions can do full circle within the space of a minute. They're mini ecosystems of life. Do you feel them? The benefit is that when the going gets tough, they have literally 'upped' and left before you have time to dwell on it.

Driving home from a birth this morning, I received my payback for the challenging time I had during the week; I'd given my all, and needed refuelling. An absolutely stunning and gentle birth, nothing for me to do except 'be' with this couple and keep them all safe. There was just a faint red glow on the edge of the sky promising today's sunlight as I pootled homewards in a bleary eyed, sleep deprived, oxytoxic state. Classic FM was playing the kind of low key but uplifting music I'd want to wake up to, but today I left a contented young family and was heading towards my bed and a WHOLE WEEK of annual leave. The chocolate biscuit I'd thrown into my basket as I left the house in the early hours had never tasted so delicious. It wasn't hard to imagine my hands around a warm cup of tea, and my grandmother's stone hot water bottle next to my feet.

I needed that hug. I actually wanted it from a gentle gorilla of a man who could hold me tight and safe for a short while. I received it from a newborn baby girl, and her parents, and one of my colleagues, who shares those life and sometimes death moments that bring such awesome transition. The sneaky suggestion of a rising sun, and the cello playing, and the chocolate melting, and a ridiculous and trivial radio fact about the average calorie consumption we attempt to achieve on christmas day made me giggle out loud.

Gifts come in very different wrappings.